I’m Jus’ Sayin’

Comedy and The Oval Office

Posted by on 1:18 pm in I'm Jus' Sayin' | 0 comments

First off I SWEAR I’m gonna blog more. I dunno why I don’t cause believe it or not some of y’all actually read this mess… which tells me about YO life but, I digress… People have constantly walked up to me before or after shows and say  “I know you got a ton of stuff about Trump”… truth is I actually don’t. I think I’m worried he’d find out and tweet about me and he does NOT want to do that. He’s already on Twitter more than 16 year old girl running for class president. Plus that’s more topical material so there’s a million, hell maybe 3 million comedians writing the same stuff. See writing and performing jokes about Trump is gonna be a crowded freeway… writing jokes about Trump and ME interacting well… that’s different and it’s indigenous to me, meaning it’d be true and that’s what I’d rather talk to you all about… nothing wrong with topical writing, I should do more of it but I’d rather talk about me…. cause I’m a selfish bastard. The truth is Soooo much funnier than fiction… You voted, I voted, as far as I’m concerned it’s over, the election that is. The jokes are coming… look at this guy. If you thought  “Dubya” was a buffoon you just wait and watch this foolishness unfold. I mean at least Bush was a kinda goofball, dare I, Spanky even say a ‘lovable’ buffoon. Does anybody even like this guy? Even if you voted for him would you hang out with him? Be honest… Say what you want about Obleezy… the White House hadn’t been filled with that much ‘Smooth” since Bill Clinton or even JFK. Even if you didn’t like or vote for him, you’d probably have him over for dinner and if you wouldn’t then you are part of the problem in the world… and you should probably kill yourself. Seriously. Honestly I just don’t like this guy and it’s probably cause he takes himself too seriously… Dude… you look like you bathe in Cheetos dust…. geez. I’d ask him about it too… I swear I would. I’d be like “Trump…. is that Texas or Tennessee Orange?” or “Is your father in law the chef from the Muppet Show?” you know he and Melania have the same accent. Every POTUS has stayed above the jokes and criticism that comes with the office. They take it, some even laugh at it but they all didn’t take pause to address jokes about em… this cat is special and even after I write all this I gotta do what I said and will continue to say after ever election… let’s see, I mean we can’t change it, right? Right? -IJS  ...

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Women Stop it…

Posted by on 10:49 am in I'm Jus' Sayin' | 0 comments

… sigh. This is what I’m talking about right here. So I made this post on facebook… yeah, here it is: “… and the recipient of this year’s DIRTIEST, THIRSTIEST, STANKINEST, RAGGEDIEST, MOST DISRESPECTFULEST WHORE of the WORLD goes to THIS HEIFER!!! She needs to drink some bleach and lay down…” Kinda joking, kinda serious… typical me stuff, when I get into an argument with a woman who is the sister of a now former buddy of mine, now. They argued everything from the pic being photo shopped then I was a judgmental prick who disrespects women. Hard to respect folk who don’t respect themselves… Now to the woman in the photo. This picture is all over the internet for various reasons, one she’s smokin hot, two, she’s smokin hot and three… The Thirst. Stephen Curry is arguably the biggest NBA star on the planet (Sorry LeBron fans) and what I’m seeing in this picture,  mind you in a game I witnessed myself and I saw this very moment unfold live,  is pretty obvious to me. She’s trying to get his attention. This guy lives a very public life with his family in a lot of it, wife, kids, faith and he’s not the only one… and for this woman to put herself in position to be seen by him or one of his teammates is pretty weak if you ask me. She’s obviously beautiful, seemingly could have anybody she wanted but she chose this route and now she’s everything from a joke to a “jump off” to a whore. My intention was to crack a little joke about the thirst, make some people laugh and move on to something else stupid THEN a woman called me to task on it. Saying I was wrong for judging this woman. That she should be able to do and wear and be and act any way she want free of criticism or malice or anything else. Then her brother got involved and so on and so forth and so whatever. That’s fine… my posts are always mine. I don’t fish for “likes” or agreement in all honesty. It really bugs me that another woman thinks this is ok… That I’m the prick for making a “bad’ joke, being judgemental instead of the woman in the picture disrespecting this guys wife and their marriage. I have a hard time with the way women are treated in today’s world, always have ESPECIALLY  by other women. even when taking up for a woman’s behavior deplorable as it may be and none of this is written if she weren’t doing the obvious. I never called her a “whore” just used the word in a fictitious award, slut, jump off, bitch, none of that… heifer I called her. Ladies I love my Mom, My sisters, my daughter, my lady, my nieces, aunts, female cousins… whatever. No one holds women in higher regard. I think women should get equal pay for the job, I believe in a woman’s right to choose as far as abortion and I definitely think no means no. You should be able to wear what you want, go where you like wearing it and not be harassed for doing so however it may be taken, no one should have anything to say… I...

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Kobe…

Posted by on 10:28 am in I'm Jus' Sayin' | 1 comment

Man I don’t know why I’m blogging about this cat. As we say in South Memphis, “I don’t eeeeeeeeeuuuum like this dude…”. … but even I gotta show respect. I was a Laker fan wayyyyy back. Magic’s Showtime Lakers. Greatest show in sports, so much fun to watch and honestly until the Grizzlies moved down from Vancouver I really hadn’t had a favorite basketball team and the 90’s were really all about MJ. So to be clear, the Memphis Grizzlies are my favorite team… but I watch Golden State… don’t judge me, I love the Grizz but they can be hard to watch. The Warriors make the NBA soooo much fun to watch. I laugh more than I do watching “Two Broke Girls”. Last night 4/13/16 was epic for the NBA. Kobe’s last game and Golden State attempting to break a record some thought would never fall. Ok….. I fell asleep on em both but when I woke up in the middle of the night I wanted to see… Kobe. Why? I have no idea…Yeah, he’s arrogant, selfish, self centered, spoiled, relentless, non compassionate, uncompromising…. and one of the 3 greatest NBAers of all time. There I said it. What he did last night taught me something. 20 years on one team, #3 on the NBA all time scoring list, 15 time All star, 4 time MVP of the all star game, 2 time gold medalist and there’s more…. then on his last day at work, he drops 60 points… at 37 years old (which is 88 in basketball years). SIXTY points!!! That’s bananas… period. Bell to Bell…. that’s Kobe Bean Bryant. I’m gonna find that gear and I believe it ain’t too late for anybody when your passionate. As great as Golden State’s accomplishment is last night was clearly about Kobe, as it should have been. Somebody told me once “greatness comes with a lotta stuff…”. Anytime you can shut everything and everybody out to get what you want, with no apologies… that’s a special kinda person, likeable or not cause lets face it.. you can have too many friends… I don’t think I wanna hang out with him or anything, just be like the lady watching Meg Ryan in the diner from that scene in “When Harry Met Sally”… I’ll have what he’s having…. Good job Kobe. I’m glad I got to hate you too… -IJS...

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One and Done… Not only for college jocks

Posted by on 3:40 pm in I'm Jus' Sayin' | 0 comments

You know it’s the end of March Madness tonight. Yup it’s over… this is normally my favorite time of the year. Every year I do two brackets… One with The University of Memphis Tigers winning it all and being the greatest day of my life besides my kids birthday, Christmas and the finalization of my second divorce, and then a  REAL bracket cause let’s face it… it’s all a guess. This year Memphis sucks, last year they sucked…aaannnd the year before too. That SECOND divorce still makes me smile tho… Matter of fact this year we didn’t even get invited to watch the tournament at a Final Four party. So I ain’t really in the spirit this year. Matter of fact I’ve watched more NBA games than college games the past few years. Regular season games at that. That’s big because the only sport I watch regularly is the NFL cause the season is so short and even then being a Dallas Cowboy fan……. lets just say Lifetime has really good movies on Sundays. I think I’m over the whole “One and Done” thing in college basketball. Back in the day I’d watch a big time rivalry like Duke- North Carolina for instance because for three years at least you would see some talent actually grow and jell together to be a pretty good team instead of what I see now as teams (AKA KenSUCKY) hope that these eight (8) number one recruits they hoarded figure it all out some kinda way in 30 something games. I hate it… it’s like when a praying mantis dude has sex…. he knows it’s one and done. Literally. Like forever and ever amen. Then as I thought before I write this…. there are LOTS of stuff that oughta be one and done in life….. besides sex, cause face it nowadays a lotta folks get down that way… I mean if it sucks…. why not advance and delete? Bills….. they should be one and done. NOBODY looks forward to going to the mailbox for bills. Dentist visits, Prostate exams….. women doctor stuff (they got a lot of stuff), taxes should be one and done… like forever. The government seems to do okay without our little bit of money. Diarrhea… it should be like chicken pox… you  get it over and you’re done…. till you get old and get shingles but by that time you know it’s over. My point is life is too short to be repeating certain things… like sucky college basketball seasons. Oh the tournament is great of course because everyone plays their hearts out, there’s buzzer beaters and great performances, coaches coach their butts off because everybody knows it’s one and done and……………………………… Heyyyyyy wait a damn minute… -IJS...

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I Can’t Stand Sissies… Ugh

Posted by on 12:07 pm in I'm Jus' Sayin' | 2 comments

Man. What did we do before the camera phone?! I’d wager that these phones these days are better cameras than  they are phones. Geeeeeez. As if there weren’t enough chronic ignorance in the world, we make more… amazing. I get up and check Facebook first thing, cause I’m stupid and the NUMBER ONE thing trending is this video… “leaked” by LA Laker point guard D’Angelo Russell with his teammate Nick Young where Young unbeknownst to him is being recorded admitting to cheating on his finacee, Iggy Azalia… this according to a Laker source. When Russell admitted to it he called it  it was a “prank gone wrong”…. anybody see what’s happening here? In this day and age… there are No leaks… Well first that THIS… is news. Somebody shoot me, but honestly… Stupidity… that’s what… BECAUSE… we are raising a bunch of sissy ass men… that’s what. Now before you get caught up in what you may think is a homophobic slur in my use of the word “Sissy” stop right there. My definition of a ‘Sissy” is a weak ass, selfish, attention seeking, needy dude. The word “Sissy” can’t even touch homosexuality in my book. I got gay friends who are the most down, “who in here got a problem”, “lets get it cracka lackin”, “hold my earrings”, ” Awwwwww HELL NAWWW!!!” type of cats I know. Fight in the drop of a hat, hell even hold up this “Guy Code” thing better than a lotta straight dudes I know. Selfies, I thought and still think are a kinda “Girlie” thing anyway to me. I have taken a few but SOME DUDES take more selfies than women. You see em on social media… I see more men dressed up on social media to show their clothes off than I do when they’re out on a date… it’s ridiculous. Maybe because these “new kids” don’t have men in their lives, positive role models who can teach em what real men do. Not only do you NOT record your manz talking about cheating on his girl, you don’t record a private conversation THEN put it on YouTube or… HOW BOUT YOU JUST DON’T CHEAT PERIOD YOU STUPID BASTARD!!! Look at it… it’s everywhere! Women can’t have NOTHIN!!! First it was the word “Metro-sexual” then I see guys with man-purses, wearing lip gloss and now some dudes are wearing skinny jeans and the like and then there’s Will and Jada’s boy which……… sigh. I wish I could open up an asswhoopin kiosk in the mall and just whup these little boys all damn day. I’d do it for free!!! I ‘d even have “relief asswhoopers” like in a baseball type bullpen for when I couldn’t finish whoppin em… “Bring in the lefty!”. I could get into a really heavy area about men raising boys on their own or cheating men AND women or how this “Kid” and I use the word loosely because if you cant discern what’s smart or not, right or wrong, good or not so good… you don’t need to be a millionaire. Some guys are gonna have a problem with this and that’s fine… I don’t judge but when she cheats on YOU… don’t be a bitch about it. I wish rotary phones had cameras on em....

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Blogging while drankin… I shouldn’t do this..

Posted by on 5:39 pm in I'm Jus' Sayin' | 0 comments

Note: some of these words may ne missssssspled… jus letting you know. “I been drankin… I been drankin…” I think Queen Bey sang that. Some song about doin it in the kitchen after drinking all night… DON’T NOBODY CARE BEYONCE!!! SitchoDRUNKassdownsomewhere. Beyonce is a fantastic entertainer but…. I’ve heard better singers, ain’t you?! It’s ok to say that you know. You ain’t a hater cause as you know these days if you don’t really care for someone’s talent then you’re hating… you young people who came up with that foolishness KILL YO SELVES!!! Geez… I don’t like Tapioca but I’m not a hater of tapioca… just rather have Chinese food. When I’m drunk, like now I usually ain’t mad. I’m normally a happy drunk but not today. Some folk are pissin me off like PIT BULL. Aye sir quit singin songs like you 6’6″. ” I know you want me… you know I want you..” You don’t know nutthin okay? Sir?! You are a Hispanic Leprechaun… a Spanish speaking Prince. Have several seats… matter of fact have a high chair. Katt Williams!!! I’M MAKING $500 PER NIGHT on average.  If you don’t sitcho bad edges havin ass down RAT NAH!!! You winning sir, maybe the 2nd most popular comedian of this era… Kevin is really winning right now but you know what this ain’t Ricky Bobby… I’ll take 2nd place all damn day. That’s why that old 26 year old 3rd grader put you in a small package… as if it couldn’t get any smaller. Fix that perm. All you Obama haters see what you got to choose from now?! Trump or Cruz…. and who’s got the hottest wife?! Trump of course, can’t hate on her. Cruz’ wife looks like a PTA president but never mind that Michelle Obama is SMOKIN!!! If you don’t think so then…… yo momma is a Romulan. Some of this is not going to make any sense but you keep reading… I’m gonna bring it all home in a sec here. No I ain’t, but this is my blog…. quit reading anytime you want to….. but you won’t tho. Scalia dead ain’t he? Never mind… See it’s like I started drinking just about an hour ago and here I am trying to entertain you all… and I ain’t driving tonight so motorists are safe… until I have that ONE drink… you know that ONE drank that tells you ” go head… it’s Friday and cops are off too…” All I’m saying is salvation is real. I think I’m bout to puke…. and that… is the truth.....

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Ain’t just not goin a sign of protest?

Posted by on 10:53 am in I'm Jus' Sayin' | 0 comments

I hate politics… of any kind but I ESPECIALLY hate election season. Christmas should last as long cause face it… who don’t like Christmas?! This political season makes me really nervous. When did it get to the point that you go somewhere that you hafta go down there and tell em? I don’t like the KKK but you won’t see my black ass at a klan rally saying “HELL NO I WON’T GO!!!” I said that at the house AND THAT’S MY POINT! Relationships on every level have been threatened this political year, you seen Facebook?! Geez. Everything from name calling to jokes about penis size and that’s just the candidates. I swear that last debate that I watched I thought they were gonna play the dozens… “yeah well YO MOMMA so skinny she got a striped dress with ONE STRIPE!“. I made that one up myself battling George Wallace years ago, a battle in which he destroyed me but that’s besides the point…. but feel free to use it… cause that’s funny. These Trump rallies are ridiculous. Sucker punches, body slams… I’m waiting for somebody to get put in the figure four soon but my question is, why go? Do you think you’ll get a word in edgewise with a crowd of people who agree on something totally opposed to what you don’t? Just say no OR… do like I do… protest the important stuff, fight the fights you can win, with your absence. One of my former friends (the word “former” is important to this story) has the worst breath of any human still living and breathing… EVUH. You ever smelled somebody’s breath so bad that you immediately see em as a cast member of “The Walking Dead”?. I don’t even watch that show but I’ve  seen clips and all the zombies LOOK LIKE, they may  have a problem with chronic halitosis… that was my buddy (The word “was” is important to this story). His breath was so bad I wore a mask to read his Facebook posts. So I boycotted him which some people seem to forget is a show of protest. I didn’t tell him, didn’t picket in front of his house and above all I didn’t vote for him. He wasn’t even running for anything but still… it was the right hing to do, for the country. Before long he stopped coming by, then he stopped calling, then he stopped liking my Facebook posts and then…. I deleted him. Gone. Problem solved. He’s no longer in my life and all because I felt like he wasn’t doing enough to fix his problem which turned out to be MY problem. So to all these “protesters” who think they’re doing something really meaningful… don’t waste your time. Just say no cause trust me from what I’ve seen, they don’t like you. I protest lots of stuff by my absence. I should protest Popeye’s Chicken but… I can’t. I do protest cauliflower, rutabagas, ugly people, noisy babies, sucky airlines (Mainly Spirit… they may as well just drive on the interstate…. cruising altitude of 1500 feet… kill yo self Spirit airlines) oh and Love and Hip Hop, Real Housewives and anything Kardashian. Let’s learn to either disagree or just cut it out of our lives cause believe me...

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The Key to a Good Relationship… According to “Her”

Posted by on 1:23 pm in I'm Jus' Sayin' | 0 comments

So some of you know I’m in a new relationship with an old girlfriend and I’m happy about it… she said she’d let me know when and if she’s happy about it but that’s another blog, anyway… we were talking about all the stuff that new/old couples talk about and SHE SAYS… “Oh, I got us a new mattress… the coolest thing about it is I wont even feel you moving, so you won’t wake me up…. “ DA HELL?! So you mean to tell me all the stuff I’m doing, gifts, flowers, little love notes, damn SHARRI’S BERRIES DELIVER’T to the job and all she needs to be happy is a mattress that she won’t even know if I’m dead or not? See… that’s that Bull**** Simple things… women don’t want much you see, just stuff like not waking her up in the middle of the night when I gotta get up to pee… mind you we’re on a California King which if you don’t know is the equivalent of sleeping with someone on like…. Montana. This is eye opening for me. I’m from the old school of relationships/ dating, you know… courting, without a judge present. “Calling on her” I know that sounds like a line from The Andy Griffith Show but that’s Old School. This new dating is kinda different I get it, but I got my limits… For instance we probably text more than we talk which I’m fine with, we’re both pretty busy during the day but I’ve seen these new kids dating…. texting each other across the table at a restaurant? Ain’t NOBODY got time for that… So now I’ll do the stuff to keep the FI-YAH in my relationship, like vacuuming. Nothing says “COME HERE WOMAN”  (in my Teddy Pendergrass voice) like sucking dirt off the carpet. Cleanliness I hear is the new sexy… so I’ll pick up my drawers too. Take the trash out, loading the dishwasher, putting the toilet seat down, remember fellas…. “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie…”. I’d heard that somewhere before. Nothing says “NO SOUP FOR YOU” like sitting in somebody Else’s previously warm pee… This is what I’m learning. Play these tips box and straight and if I can be any more help to you I’ll be right here… folding clothes…...

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The State of Comedy Union… according to me, Spanky

Posted by on 1:16 pm in I'm Jus' Sayin' | 1 comment

I’ve always been an open book, ain’t much I don’t tell you all so, here goes… again… Welp… for the first time in a while i see some light, maybe that’s my fault… ok it is my fault but it as rapper Rakim the G.O.A.T says “it ain’t where you from, it’s where you at..” and I’m here. Things are great. I’m back into full- time comedy, dropped 40 pounds, reconnected with the love of my life and realized nobody cool still wears sideburns… I thought they broke up my face but anyway I’m stepping out into something I am Not nor have been very adept at…. business. A club owner told me once it should be called “Business Show” cause without the business part there can be no show and for any entertainer the thing we want to do the most is perform… so handling your business on even the most elementary level should keep you busy… on stage that is. I look at the hottest comics in the game now and ask how did they do this? Why haven’t I done it? What’s the difference between Kevin Hart (of whom I’m a big fan) and myself or a Steve Harvey, Mike Epps and so on and so on.. Business… and the way they handle it… Period. It’s like this fitness trainer told me once.. he works out so he can eat what he wants.. makes sense to me. You gotta do the business to get what you love to do… getting booked ain’t all about being funny these days so if you ain’t selling tickets. Comedy clubs, some that is, they gotta make money to stay in business, I get it. I get frustrated with who I see working clubs sometimes, all comics do. “THEY BOOKING THAT GUY/GIRL?!”. Honest comics will tell you we’ve all said that at some point. Then I say “well, what am I doing to change that?” and it comes through loud and clear as I answer my own question “apparently, not enough or not the right things”. Change is tough. Funny…?  I got that part down, not being arrogant here but I watch comedy too, I’m a fan, just like you… but I realize I have been way too “romantic” about comedy in these 17 years I’ve been blessed to do it… I kinda thought just being funny was enough and for some it is… I though have not business minded enough, but how can I change the game for myself AND other comedians I feel who are like me… funny, talented but not more well known for being just that… funny? So… “The Funniest People You Never Heard Of” tour is my new baby. I’m gonna put together my own dates with the people I respect on this level and show em off… comedians that I am a fan of. After 17 years in this I hope you trust me to say these are the best and the brightest… seasoned vets, road dogs, headache makers…. Room Wreckers…. for true fans of the craft… they way it used to be before Vine and YouTube and Facebook and all that… before comedy got muddled with that, why? Because I still love the craft. So look for dates in or near your city. If...

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Priorities…

Posted by on 11:29 am in I'm Jus' Sayin' | 1 comment

This is the first time I’ve ever talked about this… Today is my son Michael and his wife Arequila’s 8th wedding anniversary.  I should know that date but I didn’t… I wasn’t there. I got reminded on the social media.  I couldn’t tell you when my other son Micah and His wife Devin got married… I’ve seen it on Facebook and I wish them the best but I wasn’t there either.. Why Being selfish… Being a comedian. Being a company man. Plain and simple Most people know me well enough to know I’m an open book. What I can’t articulate audibly,  I write. I don’t write for anything else but to get it off my chest.  My sons are my what most or some people call “stepsons” along with their brother David. They were part of the package, it was made clear at the beginning and I was all in plus I wanted boys anyway. Their mom and I had a daughter together, their sister Chelsea. I was at her wedding.  I wasn’t a comedian while I was married to their mom. Sometimes you don’t catch a mistake until much, much later.  Both their weddings of course on Saturdays were when I was booked on shows. Never gave it much thought… Told them  I was sorry I couldn’t make it, didn’t tell em nor did I even consider at the time or until today that  I put these comedy clubs first… Over my children… Fuckin sad.  We never raised our kids to be “step” anything. Just our kids.  I failed them in other ways but on this one, possibly the biggest day of their lives I failed them both… miserably  They have to my knowledge ever held a grudge, said a word about it. Just went on with their lives and still includes me on it… Such good men. I married a woman with 3 kids, boys… And was totally fine with it, best thing I’ve ever done in my life even though the marriage didn’t last. I’d do it all over again… Would change a couple things but not about any of them, just me. No excuses…  Any comedian will tell you, as a virtual unknown,  you take the dates when the clubs call. You can’t pay your bills if you don’t work. You cancel a date you may not be invited back. It’s a difficult and different type of entertainment. Musicians can book any number bars, clubs, restaurants etc… There’s only so many comedy clubs. Yeah its pressure but I shoulda stood up to it… For my kids…. I’m ashamed about it now So I’m saying I’m sorry… To my sons. I shoulda been a better man for you… Period I don’t blame comedy, I still love it, but the sacrifices can be devastating and I never really felt it until today. I don’t even blame the clubs or bookers… It’s all on me this one…  The good news is that “I get it” now… Hopefully somehow it ain’t too late to make it up to them and even though they’re grown up I got a different view of what I thought they meant to me and what they really do mean to me. They (the kids) have done soooooo much more for me than I have...

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